on being enough, but not too much

I was supposed to have coffee with a girlfriend yesterday. Someone I haven’t seen for some 20 years and have recently connected with on Facebook.

And I was excited. I knew her when we were stay-at-home moms, each with two preschoolers at home, and the bond we shared was built around parenting and family and the delight in having a grown up friend in the neighbourhood. This was an important friendship at a significant time in my life.

So when she texted to cancel, I was disappointed, but if I’m honest, a little part of me was relieved. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see her and her husband and her sons and their partners – I did. I wanted to see her smile and hear about her life and see her boys grown into men.

It was about me feeling inadequate. What would she/they think about me? I was hoping for a good hair day but there’s nothing to be done about the increased size of my jeans. Most days I look in the mirror and smile and send myself love and feel so good in my big curvy body, but this was the second time in a month that I was faced with meeting someone from my past and wondering ‘was I good enough?’.

As I write this I know the answer is ‘Yes, of course I’m good enough.’ These are good people, caring and kind, and besides, they’ve seen my picture on Facebook, so if they were going to be repulsed by my belly fat they could simply avoid making plans with me.

I’m not beating myself up, and it totally was a good hair day yesterday, but I am noticing these moments of self-doubt. I’m allowing myself to feel them, connecting to the inner child parts of me that feel shame and insecurity about my size. I’m breathing and journaling and dancing my way to feeling better in my body. I’m inviting in pleasure, and letting go of fear and uncertainty. This is what growth looks like.

*Photo by JonGunnar Gylfason